In-Dependence

A decade or so ago, in the course of a conversation, a grand, old matriarch said, “You know, there should be a little "space" between you and everyone, even your husband.” Coming from a lady who, with equal gusto, laughed, loved and fought with her husband of 50 plus years , it seemed a little incongruous. It shocked a naïve teenager whose view of true love was the complete intertwining of two lives, with all facets of one’s personality laid bare to the other.

As she grew up, her viewpoint gradually changed. The true love of the Mills and Boons was what her friends swore they experienced EVERY time. It reeked of a wash of hormones, in her considered opinion.
The romances that “went the distance”, were built on a strong foundation of memories and shared experiences, rather than those in which both partners made vociferous public declarations of undying love.

“Love is blind”, she was told. Not quite so.
Carried away by a rush of endorphins, a lot of young couples seemed to rush into relationships, with a certain image of what their partner should be. “He’s so amazing… I’m completely in love, she gushed. “She’s everything I want in a woman”, he enthused.
Further down the line, when the courting stage passed and the partners dropped the images they had previously maintained, the cracks began to show. What they once found attractive about their partner, they now found irritating. The litany of complaints started : “He’s become controlling” , “She’s become needy” …
He reacted to the problems by getting distant or by getting angry with her refusal to fall in with his wishes. She reacted to them by getting jealous and clingy or by freezing him out. Both ended up flirting with other people to test whether the other one really cared. Personal egos entered the relationship and lines of communication broke down.
And so, the love which once bloomed in glory, was smothered by the weeds of misunderstanding,

The love stories that endured, on the other hand, were the more steady (often considered boring) ones. Neither felt the need to convince everyone that their partner was wonderful, there was no PDA, no breathless flutters. However, there was an easy camaraderie, a bond of trust and a security in the relationship. Each maintained their personal opinions and respected the other's even if they were in conflict. Even if they argued long and hard, they took the other's view into consideration when they made the final decision about the issue under consideration. Of course, it was only their near and dear who knew the truth of their arguments, to the world, they were a team with not a ripple of discord between the two. As a result, their bond deepened and richened over the years.

That was when she understood what her wise grandmother had said.
The distance implied independence, but not separateness. If that independence is compromised, one partner becomes a clone of the other ... and the differences that once ignited sparks fade away. One person is the "master" and the other the yes-man, there's no longer a relationship between equals. Love is NOT control.
A good relationship, it seemed, was one where you had the perspicacity to see your partner for what he / she truly was : Appreciate the good qualities and learn to live with the not-so-nice ones ... and yes, being human, most of us try to change them.
For whatever else it is, love IS acceptance.




Doctor Witch